(Written on 8.18.2019) Reflecting on my visit to Tucson, my initial feelings are no, I don’t know, maybe. Now, I am aware enough to know that those feelings may be my ego pulling me back and clouding my true self. However, I do know that I cannot make this decision alone. I have to decide with Kait.
The whole time I was there, which was not very long, less than 48 hours, I would go in and out of feeling it to not feeling it.
A lot of the feeling it is the newness of it to me, the possibility of building a business that could provide the lifestyle we want, and the beauty of the landscape.
A lot of the not feeling it is leaving our families, leaving a city that we love for many reasons (but also don’t for many reasons), being thrust into a situation where I left my loves behind – Kait, Weston and Avett. Staying in the home of and spending a lot of time with people I did not know was a cool experience, however moving to this city would be a huge change to my life in every single way. And I have to figure out if I want to go into business with them after only meeting this one time. This doesn’t lead to a decision either way, but it adds to the confusion a bit.
I have also been at a cross roads in my career for a while now. Not sure how to market myself. I hate labels. I hate categories. I hate calling myself something. I hate calling what I do something because it places limits on me. It puts an idea in someone’s head as to the limitations of what I am and how I can help them.
I know I want to guide, help and advise. I possess many abilities to do that, some are innately me from the way I progressed through and experienced life. Some are purposefully learned through traditional education. How and if I am able to guide someone actually depends on that person. Their needs, desires, limitations, experiences, intentions, and so on.
I see a lot of lost and heavily clouded people in this world and I want to help them. I want to help because they will be happier, which will lead to greater peace between and among more people, all beings, and nature. It will also make my life better because then I won’t have to deal with as many assholes. People will not be as selfish, beyond being in their true nature.
The people I met were extremely welcoming and nice. I immediately felt welcomed. I was especially excited by the warm welcome by one of the children, a 6 year old. Who drew me these pictures and was asking if I could stay longer within the first 10 minutes of meeting me. I saw a lot of personal work we all have to do. We tend to align in vision, but do our approaches to things mesh well, hard to say in the short time. It was a quick weekend.
Another aspect that was challenging was feeling like I had to really have a sense of yes or no during the trip. I generally don’t do well with frequently being questioned as to what I am thinking and how I am feeling – especially as an introvert. I like to take some time to reflect and really decipher what I am feeling and what I think I may have observed and experienced.
I don’t really have a problem being open and honest about myself, but I do have a problem being open and honest if it’s going to possibly hurt someone else. I do not like being pressed for answers or for what I am thinking or feeling. I’d rather offer it. But, maybe that’s something on which I need to further reflect.
Typically, if I want to share I will share. If I want to sit on it and try to understand it further without communicating it via words to someone, then I will do that. However, then sometimes the opportunity passes. Being there to get to know people, in my mind, is being real and allowing them to be real back. Pressing to me, is tough for me, but maybe that’s right for them. Allowing comfort, trust, vulnerability to do its thing and slowly reveal ourselves to each other is ideal to me. Getting to know someone’s past experiences, or getting to observe someone over years allows that to happen. This couldn’t be like that. It wasn’t like that. I would feel pits in my stomach that it wasn’t right, often. Other times, I would feel very excited when I heard, saw, and communicated the potential. I was and am a bit confused about it all.
The conversations got really deep, really honest, really vulnerable really quickly. It’s intense, for everyone involved.
Bottom line, I don’t know. I have to decide with Kait. I have to do this with Kait. I cannot and will not make solo decisions for my family.
What I learned on this trip is that I am comfortable with me. I will always connect with certain people more than others. I love to travel. I love my Kait, Weston and Avett very much. I love my life with them. That is what I need right now, regardless of location. My intentions are to live the life we envision, that I know we can. That I will continue to work to do.
I am grateful for this opportunity and for the people I met. I am grateful for being welcomed into their homes and into their lives. As with all experiences, I am and will be changed by this trip. I thoroughly enjoyed the whirlwind of a weekend. Maybe in a few days I will feel entirely different.
Maybe we’ll have to visit Tucson together, or maybe we’ll go with upstate NY and a Caribbean Island or some beach town in Florida. Maybe Hawai’i, maybe Charleston, maybe Europe….who knows! Maybe we’ll move, maybe we won’t. We have a lot to figure out.